in retrospect i figured out that i wish that you are
my lover and teacher as well. as
a human being who is able to understand me (each other)
with explanation-s (marks) and
we are both able to use our abundance
to create a world together  with all our
skills and needs

i figured out in the last couple of month, from time to time
even more that i imagine you and me in a private space
doing our work within an adorable life
who everyone has the ability to talk with everyone.
thought that it would bring peace. but figured out
that there are so many fights over power and love
and mostly about relationship here.
that i decided to be a snail or a turtle
with a house on my bag that i can
back out when they are fighting to much.

the most complicated part about it
seams to be that when i change my personality
or character that i start to have habits
which make me unkind and let me act in a way
that i can hardly recognize myself anymore.
that is why i choose to life under water.

i figured out that i can hardly make friends here
on earth.
i tend to say that cause i do not spend much time
with humans as well as with animals.
it happened to me as a effect off
a relationship between relationship
and faith and love power.
that makes me unhappy and sometimes act
narrow-minded and unkind.
as well i figured out that it has to do
that she makes me a fighter i never
were.

i started to argue, that is an effect
to show that i do not like myself.
and i act like i wouldn't be responsible
for what happened to me and others.

i am running around mostly confused.

there are so many things to do as 

always on earth. but i don't know why

they started to treat me like this.

unloved, social handicapped, and

that it seams to be that i never find love

with that type of belief over me.

i figured out that politics has always to do with fighting and arguing

its like a family, where the children are playing with each other

but they like the game more than the ppl they are playing with

i will not talk anymore

it makes me listen loud music
brought me in situations in which i were not listen
to anybody cause i spent much time alone
i appreciate to be alone
but with you it would me much easier
mr. lennon

i experience that i can communicate with a different me

it is you

we seem to have our mind

during my writing i experience that i my thoughts connect

you and i with each other

i can speak

i don't like you say that it seams complicated

i feel that this make us seperated

i hate you, mars

als kind mochte ich es nicht, Sätze

hintereinander gleich mit einem I/Ich an zu fangen.

why do ppl/human thi. .

julian lennon

something is doing we don't no

what its aknowledge as a monster

i do like monster.

yours truly

ein stück von einem punschkrampfen genügt
schon, um mich als getriebene,
als ruhelose von da nach dort zu treiben.
alkohol ist ja so gar nicht von und nach meinem geschmack.
wieder zurück in wien von wo ich in die natur
gegangen war;
fand dort züge eines verstorbenen an einem
snob wieder, dessen digital uhr auf dem
rechten hand gelenk getragen, manchmal
nervös pipste, wenn er daran drückte.
seine züge waren schweigsam, seine
mimik beängstigend wandelnd.
doch immer eiseskalt.
eine packung chips ähnlicher dinge,
- welche pommes mit mayonaise waren oder so -
wurden mir entgegen, wie ein ball hin und her, geworfen.
danach einmal aggressiv in der ubahn
achtlos einfach zur seite geschleudert.
zum glück traf es niemanden.
zwei biere ottakringer wurden verschüttet,
kurzweilig daran genippt.
die bücher blieben unberührt fast vergessen
in dem thalia sackerl am boden. vergessen. auf dem einen
stand etwas von universum od. weltall und fahrrad oder
eher nicht mit dem fahrrad.
beide bücher dürften so um die 150 seiten haben.

weihnachten

Die Details welche sich mir in den letzten Tagen oder gar Wochen
auftun zeigen/beweisen mir auf eine erstaunliche wie grausame Art
& Weise, wie der Tod eines/einer einzelnen/einzelnen verhindert oder gar
von statten gehen kann.
Die Bewusstwerdung dessen zeigt sich in der kleinen jedoch merklichen
Begebenheit meines Selbst. So verursachte oder vielleicht
auch 'nur' fügte sich ein Aspekt meiner Existenz in mein Leben so ein,
dass während meines zusammen Lebens mit P.B. (name bekannten/freunden bekannt) ein vorgelesner Artikel aus der Kronen-Zeitung über den
Tod eines Polizisten welcher sich selbst das Leben nahm, mich ungefähr
ein Jahr später in Villach auf einen gegenwärtigen Studienkollegen
M.F. (name bekannten/freunden bekannt) stoßen lies, dessen Freund
kurze Zeit vorher den Tod des eigenen Vaters welcher
Polizist gewesen war, zu beklagen hatte.

found a really nice song from the books menschen
nick zammuto on there web-page:

no time for topologies

really love that song.

the part with 'free fall green horn' made me cry for 3-10 sec.
(its something my father would say, especially that part with the green horn)
because i felt touched by the composition and the lyrics at the same moment.
synchronicity.

hope you as well enjoy this beautiful composition.

'das lied von der unzulänglichkeit'

Der Kampf um Gerechtigkeit
kann auch bedeuten Ungerecht zu sein.
So betrachte ich manche Überqualifiziertheit
einer McDonalds Service Angestellten
(jetzt kommt der falsche Stolz)
als Gemeinheit da ich einen Mangel einer solchen
auf der Akademie sehe.
Denn habe ich das Gelände der Akademie
noch gar nicht reichlich genug erkundet - kenne -
das gesamte Personal nicht, welches für diesen Bereich zuständig ist.
Das ich Aufgrund einer schlechten Aussage
mir wesentliches anzulernen verweigerte,
ist eine Dummheit gewesen, welche ich nicht
mehr begehen möchte.
Trotzdem werde ich manchmal schimpfen.

i saw ppl die.

i were unable to cry.

as we were able to talk

it were to late

we lost a friend

for his own lie

of life and dead

confusion confusion

you sound

weired and dead

blind and broke

at the end of the road from hell

to earth 

now i cry and the reason for all

is that i fall

to the ground of the dead

where ppl start to smash

stones in to faces

cause they feel the basis

of rape and apathy

where my roots were buried

my lifes worry

i am falling falling falling

straigth to the ground

with the sound of speedlight

cause my temper is unable 

to regulate myself

i realize that rape 

made me to a raper

i realize that apathy 

is not good for me

cause i started to kill

kill kill kill

the flowers on the hill

where i once were standing

with the truth of handle

my troubles my pain

my doubt and my brain

physical abused

but the brain still in use

physical abused

the brain is used

for the truth to find

the dead of the blind

who smash stones into faces

on a regular basis

of dump and dead

where the ppl start to 

die in other men lie

my tongue is in doubel speach

carring a demon

of the never known darkness

life can be so hard

life can be so god damn hard

and i fight against it

like the blind fight the light

they dont see

my tongue is in double speach

i have to be carefull

i have to save my life

who can i talk to

who can i trust

the double speach is killing me

it disconnetes me from the body

the body i once felt in pain.

apathy apathy apathy

stop the apathy please apathy

you are killing me

confusion confusion

make the fusion of confusion

let life 

yourself in a good manner

come on come on come on

talk talk talk

shithead

fuckass

dumphead

not so much

this is hate that you carrying around

that is the sound of hate

you found it

how did that happen

in the silence where you were just looking

man die for other men lie

i hate myself for beeing a snail

a snail as a snake

a snake as a snail

cause i am a killer

i ve killed someone

i ve killed someone

and that tear me apart

let me call the police

i had nothing to do with

guilty guilty 

for the silence of night

where the man came and rape

your beautiful shape

so you fall down 

silently

for the rest of your agony

stop please please stop

the war in your brain

it drives you insane

come on come on

talk talk

flick your head

your heart 

and your clothes

go down to your toes

cause

you carrying weight

that is not yours

that makes the double speach

you try to understand to much

to much much 

of the more more more more more

thats enough

that is not youre game you are playing

you are playing a game that isnt yours

you stole it

you stole it

cause you lost a friend

you will never get back

cause he is gone dead

for other men lie

you never saw them cry

now you starting again

to search search search

the light you see

to much of the more

come down come down

please 

we do not wanna let you die

come down please

double speach

tear apart

double speach

tear apart

double speach

tear it apart

for the good

for the light

for the mucho grande assholes

they have to die

for smashing stones

into faces on a regular basis